I was writing a check out at Longs....
I innocently asked the clerk what today's date was....
and she innocently answered: may 16
two words
and the floor fell out from beneath me
and my mind flew into math mode
and my heart stopped beating
at least it felt that way
i couldn't take a deep breath
my hand shook as i returned my checkbook to my purse
i choked out a 'thank you' and somehow made it to my car
you would have been 20 today
20
how did that happen?
how did i go on breathing 7201 days since you took your last breath?
why did my heart continue to beat
when yours wasn't allowed to?
and how did your 99 day old life...change mine forever?
i remember your curly hair...people making coments about it
i remember your chocolate dark eyes...always watching me..do you still watch me?
i remember your cry, although not much of it
as i tried every chance i got to quell it
i remember how you felt in my arms
i've never never stopped loving you
missing you
needing you
our family has a 'gregory shaped hole' in it
and i long for the day when i can see you again
will you know me?
just look for the mom
with the gaping hole in her heart
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
you just never know..
Emma and I met her the day before yesterday.
She came out to the ranch with a friend of ours.
Her name was Teagan..such a pretty name.
She was small and spunky...
I remember thinking she reminded me of Tinkerbell.
She had spikey short blonde hair tied with a grand ribbon.
She knew alot about horses and just lit up when she talked about them.
She was a well known and successful horse trainer.
She was looking at a colt that belonged to our friend and Emma said "you can buy her! she's for sale!"..
Teagan smiled and said..."I don't need another horse right now..I have cancer".
We spent the rest of the afternoon walking the hill with her and playing w/ the horses...then she gave us hugs and smiles before they left.
Sometime Friday morning she drove her car off of a cliff in Modesto.
The police determined it was not due to a traffic accident.
I feel sick, cold and sad..that the bright spark that was Teagan,
who looked like tinkerbell, won't walk the hill anymore and play with the horses.
You never know what's gripping someone's
heart..beneath the bright smiles..you just never really know...
She came out to the ranch with a friend of ours.
Her name was Teagan..such a pretty name.
She was small and spunky...
I remember thinking she reminded me of Tinkerbell.
She had spikey short blonde hair tied with a grand ribbon.
She knew alot about horses and just lit up when she talked about them.
She was a well known and successful horse trainer.
She was looking at a colt that belonged to our friend and Emma said "you can buy her! she's for sale!"..
Teagan smiled and said..."I don't need another horse right now..I have cancer".
We spent the rest of the afternoon walking the hill with her and playing w/ the horses...then she gave us hugs and smiles before they left.
Sometime Friday morning she drove her car off of a cliff in Modesto.
The police determined it was not due to a traffic accident.
I feel sick, cold and sad..that the bright spark that was Teagan,
who looked like tinkerbell, won't walk the hill anymore and play with the horses.
You never know what's gripping someone's
heart..beneath the bright smiles..you just never really know...
took a drive down memory lane tonight...
wow...so..driving the back roads in the dark tonight..
with an almost 16 year old amazing human being...
being concerned about finding a date for Winter Ball,
talking to me
while texting a boy on the phone...
all to the back ground teen-aged-angst theme music supplied by Taylor Swift
"mom do you even know how i feel?"
oooh EMMA, I know love...
I know!
with an almost 16 year old amazing human being...
being concerned about finding a date for Winter Ball,
talking to me
while texting a boy on the phone...
all to the back ground teen-aged-angst theme music supplied by Taylor Swift
"mom do you even know how i feel?"
oooh EMMA, I know love...
I know!
missed opportunities
I left the house without my camera this morning. That may not sound like much to you, but to me it's like saying "I left the house without my right arm this morning".
I take my camera with me everywhere I go, almost always, unfortunately today was the exception.
As I headed down the hill into Aromas Emma and I were stunned to be greeted by probably the most close up, brilliant rainbow that ever existed.
Its mythical 'end' seemed to sit right in front of our car.
Emma whispered, "Wow mom, wouldn't it be amazing to stand right in the middle of a rainbow?".
If it hadn't been a school morning I was almost willing to try!
Em naturally said "Take a picture mom!". Ugh. Of all days.
So we each sulked in our missed opportunity while some equally irritating song from the radio invaded our quickly fading, magical rainbow moment.
We zig zagged through the back roads..our usual beautiful trek in the morning, to find that the 'magic' didn't stop at the end of the rainbow.
The trees on the hills had an unearthly green hue to them against the quickly greying sky. Branches showed off their dripping dewy jewels and seemed to just glow.
No way to 'catch the moment'.
As my camera lay quietly on my kitchen counter my aging memory was doing its best to capture these God-pictures on my own.
I reluctantly watched my beautiful daughter leave the warmth of the car and head off to her day.
Her excited chattering of the Winter Ball dance..and newness of the First Boyfriend lingered in my ears and I couldn't prevent the smile that stayed on my face as I drove away.
Small moments, missed opportunities, conversations. They're all around us. They wrap around our business and lay at our feet waiting to be noticed, remembered.
Don't forget your camera.
I take my camera with me everywhere I go, almost always, unfortunately today was the exception.
As I headed down the hill into Aromas Emma and I were stunned to be greeted by probably the most close up, brilliant rainbow that ever existed.
Its mythical 'end' seemed to sit right in front of our car.
Emma whispered, "Wow mom, wouldn't it be amazing to stand right in the middle of a rainbow?".
If it hadn't been a school morning I was almost willing to try!
Em naturally said "Take a picture mom!". Ugh. Of all days.
So we each sulked in our missed opportunity while some equally irritating song from the radio invaded our quickly fading, magical rainbow moment.
We zig zagged through the back roads..our usual beautiful trek in the morning, to find that the 'magic' didn't stop at the end of the rainbow.
The trees on the hills had an unearthly green hue to them against the quickly greying sky. Branches showed off their dripping dewy jewels and seemed to just glow.
No way to 'catch the moment'.
As my camera lay quietly on my kitchen counter my aging memory was doing its best to capture these God-pictures on my own.
I reluctantly watched my beautiful daughter leave the warmth of the car and head off to her day.
Her excited chattering of the Winter Ball dance..and newness of the First Boyfriend lingered in my ears and I couldn't prevent the smile that stayed on my face as I drove away.
Small moments, missed opportunities, conversations. They're all around us. They wrap around our business and lay at our feet waiting to be noticed, remembered.
Don't forget your camera.
missing
I miss: the excitement of getting a 'fresh' box of CRAYOLA crayons.
Trying to open that difficult box top without ripping beyond the little tabs.
The wonderful unique sound of a really real Hula Hoop!
Finally mastering Chinese Jump Rope on the cracked cement drive-way of my childhood.
Forgetting math homework..but remembering every verse of "oh mary mack mack mack" during a jump rope marathon at recess.
milk and crackers, and the little red wagon we would use to deliver them to class.
the big green towel with my name on it for 'nap time'
being perfectly happy with that satisfactory feeling and sound of punching translucent pegs through that mysterious black paper,
waiting for my illuminated masterpiece to appear with a Light Bright.
tripping while holding what was sure to be a priceless work of art on my Etch-A-Sketch
Pong
my absolute treasure?
The Green Hornet Hot Wheel!
Don't forget that wonderful wheel-shaped case to hold them all in.
I had three.
My mom sold them all at a yard sale.
I still grieve.
Barbies---I could live without.
The delicacies that emitted from my Easy Bake Oven.
Paper Dolls that stuck to the refrigerator with magnets
sitting at my mom's feet while she ironed, and watched 'her stories'.
the theme music to General Hospital permanently seared in my memory
Mr. Bubble bubble baths and wondering why the bubbles weren't actually pink
No More Tears shampoo
Bonnie Bell lip gloss
Playing with the telephone only to have the operator come on and say she's gonna tell your parents, or call the cops.
Tiger Beat Magazine and Donny Osmond
crying the first morning on the first day of my freshman year
because he got married
and it wasn't to me
life really did seem magical
and less complicated
I would give anything to be able to walk through a Narnian closet and revisit those days
stumble past patent leather boots, bell bottoms and burnt orange jackets with fur collars
my dad coming home from work, dropping to his knees with a big smile"which pocket?"
it was always the left shirt pocket
it was always candy
it was always my favorite
butterscotch
hear my mom in the kitchen
the clank of the little metal pipe she used to make tortillas
wearing that thread bare blue floral apron
safety pins and tissues always attached or in pockets
the sound of her voice
going to my first drive in movie with mom and my sister
bundled with my favorite blanket in the back of the wood paneled station wagon
to seeVALLEY OF THE DOLLS!
I'll end this, with memories lingering around my head like a holographic wreath..snap back to Christmas present.. finish my shopping..maybe I'll pick up a 'fresh' box of Crayola's
just because
Trying to open that difficult box top without ripping beyond the little tabs.
The wonderful unique sound of a really real Hula Hoop!
Finally mastering Chinese Jump Rope on the cracked cement drive-way of my childhood.
Forgetting math homework..but remembering every verse of "oh mary mack mack mack" during a jump rope marathon at recess.
milk and crackers, and the little red wagon we would use to deliver them to class.
the big green towel with my name on it for 'nap time'
being perfectly happy with that satisfactory feeling and sound of punching translucent pegs through that mysterious black paper,
waiting for my illuminated masterpiece to appear with a Light Bright.
tripping while holding what was sure to be a priceless work of art on my Etch-A-Sketch
Pong
my absolute treasure?
The Green Hornet Hot Wheel!
Don't forget that wonderful wheel-shaped case to hold them all in.
I had three.
My mom sold them all at a yard sale.
I still grieve.
Barbies---I could live without.
The delicacies that emitted from my Easy Bake Oven.
Paper Dolls that stuck to the refrigerator with magnets
sitting at my mom's feet while she ironed, and watched 'her stories'.
the theme music to General Hospital permanently seared in my memory
Mr. Bubble bubble baths and wondering why the bubbles weren't actually pink
No More Tears shampoo
Bonnie Bell lip gloss
Playing with the telephone only to have the operator come on and say she's gonna tell your parents, or call the cops.
Tiger Beat Magazine and Donny Osmond
crying the first morning on the first day of my freshman year
because he got married
and it wasn't to me
life really did seem magical
and less complicated
I would give anything to be able to walk through a Narnian closet and revisit those days
stumble past patent leather boots, bell bottoms and burnt orange jackets with fur collars
my dad coming home from work, dropping to his knees with a big smile"which pocket?"
it was always the left shirt pocket
it was always candy
it was always my favorite
butterscotch
hear my mom in the kitchen
the clank of the little metal pipe she used to make tortillas
wearing that thread bare blue floral apron
safety pins and tissues always attached or in pockets
the sound of her voice
going to my first drive in movie with mom and my sister
bundled with my favorite blanket in the back of the wood paneled station wagon
to seeVALLEY OF THE DOLLS!
I'll end this, with memories lingering around my head like a holographic wreath..snap back to Christmas present.. finish my shopping..maybe I'll pick up a 'fresh' box of Crayola's
just because
HaPpY BiRtHdaY Em!
you amaze me
make dreams come true
laugh
and make my days better
you see light in darkness
are beautifully confused
inspire
persevere
conquer demons
youare colors that have no name
talk to animals...and listen
have a heart that fits the world in it
leaving room for the broken and thrown-away
you
were my
gift on December 30th, 1992
make dreams come true
laugh
and make my days better
you see light in darkness
are beautifully confused
inspire
persevere
conquer demons
youare colors that have no name
talk to animals...and listen
have a heart that fits the world in it
leaving room for the broken and thrown-away
you
were my
gift on December 30th, 1992
Return to Sender
this evening i will box up 2008
i will carefully wrap memories of,em's first horse
chris's much deserved promotion
every single road trip and shopping trip with my dad
morning car rides on the back roads of Aromas to the high school
blossoming friendships
healed relationships
i will leave out
bitterness
hate
unforgiveness
jealously
these will eventually just fade away...light and darkness cannot occupy the same space
I will wrap the box with gratitude and gratefulness in remembrance of surviving
sleepless nights
car accidents
speeding tickets
broken hearts
broken kids
broken promises
once the box is full
I will write 'thank-you Lord, for all you have trusted me with and forgive me where I have failed''on the top
and know that each and every experience
the ones that made me laugh
and the ones that brought endless tears
only helped to grow me
and make it possible to heal
laugh
love
care
touch
and remember....each and every day we're given
is a chance to make it better than yesterday.happy new year my friends!
i will carefully wrap memories of,em's first horse
chris's much deserved promotion
every single road trip and shopping trip with my dad
morning car rides on the back roads of Aromas to the high school
blossoming friendships
healed relationships
i will leave out
bitterness
hate
unforgiveness
jealously
these will eventually just fade away...light and darkness cannot occupy the same space
I will wrap the box with gratitude and gratefulness in remembrance of surviving
sleepless nights
car accidents
speeding tickets
broken hearts
broken kids
broken promises
once the box is full
I will write 'thank-you Lord, for all you have trusted me with and forgive me where I have failed''on the top
and know that each and every experience
the ones that made me laugh
and the ones that brought endless tears
only helped to grow me
and make it possible to heal
laugh
love
care
touch
and remember....each and every day we're given
is a chance to make it better than yesterday.happy new year my friends!
One..Two..Three..
you dance on my toes
in soft patent leather
weightless
your arms reach for help
as you walk on wobbly legs
I listen intently
with permenant smiles
as words form from your pop-sicle stained lips
and laugh
we walk for miles
on tireless legs
just to pet the pony
then you hide
and reappear
disguised as a beautiful young lady
and the planets realign
and my world takes on new definition
and you raise your arms
easily
above my head... for thingsI cannot reach
and one day you will hold me
as i try to stand on wobbly legs
you will listen intentlyas words try to form from my age touched lips
and if you don't mind, in my mind
we will dance...
in soft patent leather
weightless
your arms reach for help
as you walk on wobbly legs
I listen intently
with permenant smiles
as words form from your pop-sicle stained lips
and laugh
we walk for miles
on tireless legs
just to pet the pony
then you hide
and reappear
disguised as a beautiful young lady
and the planets realign
and my world takes on new definition
and you raise your arms
easily
above my head... for thingsI cannot reach
and one day you will hold me
as i try to stand on wobbly legs
you will listen intentlyas words try to form from my age touched lips
and if you don't mind, in my mind
we will dance...
whales at sunset
It keeps replaying in my mind
the day we sat on the rocks for almost an hour
in common silence with several strangers
from all walks of life and corners of the world
one goal in mind
to see the whales from the shorei n dusky sunset colors
sitting motionless
silently waiting
expecting
hoping...
when was the last time i sat motionless
waiting for Your Word
Your guidence
when did i last make the effort
to make my world stand still
turn the volume downs
top the speed of my busy day
and
just
wait
listen...expect...
hope for you to touch my life
bless my heart
whisper to my spirit
Remind me Lord to seek your face
even in the absence
of whales at sunset...
click the red heels
I took my heart on a journey today
of old houses
old friends
dusty memories
childhood staring at me with with age lines yet famliar eyes
i glanced at 4410
the outside looked different
but the inside still held mamas voice
and my heart
i know this because I could hear it beating even a block away
Peter's Bakery window
gave a knowing glance in my direction
recalling the sunday morning walks with mama to buy fresh conchas
i'm brought back to the present
holding the hand of a childhood friend as she let go of the hand of her husband's remains
listening to the priest say earthly goodbyes
as i watched grief cast her eyes downward
i sat helpless,
wanting to take her pain in my hands
and wipe away her tears
but instead i found myself comforted
by ageless faces who called me mija
and looked at me as if i had just danced out of their back yards
with mud stained knees and puppies at my heels
6-year-old friends
in bodies of 46
remembering being children
while bragging of our own
i walked away from good-bye hugs
with a heavy heart
knowing i'd rather be walking back to the bakery..
waiting for rosie to get home
wishing i didn't have to have the memory of her being so sad
and wondering about the people in the old house
they say you can never go home again..
i have to disagree..
time and distance may take you away
but a part of you never leaves..
of old houses
old friends
dusty memories
childhood staring at me with with age lines yet famliar eyes
i glanced at 4410
the outside looked different
but the inside still held mamas voice
and my heart
i know this because I could hear it beating even a block away
Peter's Bakery window
gave a knowing glance in my direction
recalling the sunday morning walks with mama to buy fresh conchas
i'm brought back to the present
holding the hand of a childhood friend as she let go of the hand of her husband's remains
listening to the priest say earthly goodbyes
as i watched grief cast her eyes downward
i sat helpless,
wanting to take her pain in my hands
and wipe away her tears
but instead i found myself comforted
by ageless faces who called me mija
and looked at me as if i had just danced out of their back yards
with mud stained knees and puppies at my heels
6-year-old friends
in bodies of 46
remembering being children
while bragging of our own
i walked away from good-bye hugs
with a heavy heart
knowing i'd rather be walking back to the bakery..
waiting for rosie to get home
wishing i didn't have to have the memory of her being so sad
and wondering about the people in the old house
they say you can never go home again..
i have to disagree..
time and distance may take you away
but a part of you never leaves..
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